Carrow Flint

In a world where 90% of all newborns are reportedly named ‘Quantum Quant’ or ‘Derivative Dave’, it’s no surprise that the private equity landscape has become as densely populated as your Aunt Mabel’s knitting circle. But amidst this sea of sameness, Carrow Flint dares to stand out.

We are the fund that, statistically speaking, has more ‘PhDs in Quantum Physics turned Finance Whiz Kids’ per capita than any other. And yes, that is indeed as ludicrous as it sounds—our origin story involves a rogue particle accelerator and a large bag of monkey’s paw wishes.

But we don’t just brag about our quirks; we put them to work. Our stat-arb microstructure is sharper than your Uncle Ted’s sarcastic wit, while our roll-up strategies are as smooth as your cousin’s home-brewed moonshine (we won’t mention the headaches that follow).

Our drawdown schedule? Well, let’s just say we’ve perfected the art of making it look like a well-rehearsed tap dance routine. And despite our covenant-lite loans being as loose as a three-legged pantsuit at a village fete, our portfolio remains remarkably steady—much to the dismay of the financial purists who simply cannot fathom how we manage it.

So what don’t we chase? Predictability, stability, and common sense. After all, if everyone else is doing it, it can’t possibly be profitable, right? Right? Right?!