September 2025

Nestled within the enchanting labyrinth of London’s Mayfair, where the scent of cigars mingles with the distant echoes of Regulatory Giants, resides our very own Pall Mall Champagne Arbitrage Fund – a bastion of financial ingenuity and gallantry.

Our fund takes its namesake from the illustrious tradition of champagne flutes, clinking together in harmony amidst the twilight hours; an apt metaphor for our daring endeavors to outwit market cycles with finesse, much like a master sommelier pairing a vintage Blanc de Blancs with the most challenging of palates.

However, it’s important to note that unlike traditional champagne flutes, we do not adhere strictly to the Three Liquid Assets principle – instead, we believe in the alchemy of converting risk into reward through a unique blend of art and science, myth and math. We are not bound by antiquated notions of diversification; our portfolio brims with exotic assets such as rare collectible wines, limited edition vintage cars, and bespoke tailored suits – all painstakingly vetted to ensure they pass the rigorous test of liquidity.

Lastly, let us offer a gentle reminder: investing with Pall Mall Champagne Arbitrage Fund is an endeavor akin to savoring a fine vintage; it requires patience, perseverance, and an unyielding commitment to the pursuit of exceptional returns. After all, as Benjamin Franklin once said, “Nothing in this world is certain but death and taxes”; yet here we are, defying the odds year after year – proof positive that even in a world ruled by certainties, there remains room for the audacious and the bold.

Investment offerings: Wine cellars; classic cars; custom tailored clothing; a carefully curated selection of rare books and artworks; and a few other intriguing surprises (all subject to availability).

Nestled within London’s financial district, where tradition and innovation intertwine like the knots of a Savile Row suit—but with far less tweed—lies the Savile Row Covenant Loopholes (SRL). We aren’t your typical quant fund—we are the antithesis of that.

Unlike other firms who obsess over algorithms, we specialize in understanding the hidden nuances of covenants and loan agreements—the very bedrock upon which the private credit industry is built. Our expertise lies not in complex derivatives or esoteric trading strategies, but in uncovering the clauses that slip through the cracks like a well-timed limerick at a poetry slam.

At SRL, we pride ourselves on our ability to decipher the fine print—the financial equivalent of the Rosetta Stone. Our team, comprised of former bankers, lawyers, and one very persistent literature major, has honed their craft to unravel even the most intricate legal constructs—all while maintaining a healthy sense of humor about it.

And let’s not forget our humble beginnings: born out of a late-night pub conversation about an obscure tax loophole in a 1970s UK finance act. That single, fortuitous encounter has since grown into a powerhouse that consistently delivers results—though we still haven’t figured out how to monetize the limerick strategy just yet.

So if you’re tired of the same old quantitative approach, and fancy yourself an aficionado of the arcane—welcome to Savile Row Covenant Loopholes. We’ve found a way to make finance funny again. But don’t worry, we also have serious returns. Just ask our investors—we promise we can explain it in layman’s terms…eventually.

Disclaimer: While we find humor in the complexities of private credit and regulatory quirks, Savile Row Covenant Loopholes takes its obligations to clients seriously and abides by all relevant financial regulations. But if you see us wearing bow ties to work—feel free to ask about our favorite limericks.

In the ever-whirling world of finance, where the wind of change blows fiercely and unpredictably, there exists a rare beacon of tranquility—Threadneedle Dry Powder Capital (TDP Capital). A firm that’s as steady as a rock, yet as flexible as a willow in a breeze.

Nestled deep within the labyrinthine corridors of the financial district, TDP Capital is the anomaly that thrives on the unexpected. We pride ourselves on our unique internal KPI: the ‘Blink-and-Miss-It’ Asset Turnaround, a testament to our agility in identifying opportunities before they’ve even had time to reveal themselves.

Our approach to Private Equity is as distinctive as it is effective. We specialize in acquiring assets that, much like a certain mythical creature, are ‘slumbering’—dormant, unnoticed, and ripe for rejuvenation. Our team of savvy investors, armed with the latest quantitative models (and a generous dose of common sense), breathe new life into these dormant beasts, transforming them into the industry’s belle of the ball.

Regulations? Bah! We approach them with the reverence due to a long-lost relative at a family reunion—acknowledged, but not overly concerned. After all, who needs rules when you have creativity, ingenuity, and a shared love for finance that borders on obsession?

Now, some may fear that such audaciousness comes with risks. But fear not! At TDP Capital, we view risk as a friendly neighbor—the kind who brings over freshly baked cookies every now and then, but is never invited to stay for dinner. We embrace the thrill of the game, while maintaining a firm grip on our financial acumen.

In essence, Threadneedle Dry Powder Capital is more than just another player in the world of finance. We’re the quiet storm that moves mountains, the silent revolution that stirs the pot, and the calm before the chaos—all rolled into one agile, innovative powerhouse. So, if you’re ready to embrace the unconventional and reap the rewards of a new kind of financial prowess, welcome to TDP Capital—where finance meets ferocity.

In a world where the fastest-growing economy is reportedly that of dandelion farming on Mars, it’s reassuring to find stability amidst chaos. Welcome to Cavendish Wharf Exit Delay Partners (CWEDP), the only fund where patience is not just a virtue, but an investment strategy.

We pride ourselves on being the antithesis of flash-in-the-pan tech startups: our average holding period could make a glacier look like a day trader on caffeine overdrive. But don’t be fooled by our leisurely pace—our returns are anything but sluggish. We’ve perfected the art of stat-arb microstructure within the complexities of carry compression, generating steady, consistent yields that outperform even the most highfalutin’ hedge funds.

At CWEDP, we ignore the dogmatic ‘first-mover advantage’ principle and embrace a more laid-back approach—we call it the ‘last-mover premium.’ It may sound counterintuitive, but our investors appreciate our ability to swoop in when others are swerving out, reaping the rewards of waterfall distributions while bystanders are still grappling with regime shift uncertainties.

As one of our founders once quipped, “We’re like the tortoise who beat the hare: slow and steady wins the race… or at least, the exit.” And if you’re a finance aficionado who appreciates an inside joke, imagine us as the fund that makes ‘exit delay’ sound delightful.

So, whether market chaos has you shaking in your boots or savoring a popcorn moment, remember: with Cavendish Wharf Exit Delay Partners, even the longest hold can deliver the shortest path to success—one leisurely step at a time.

Nestled within the heart of London’s bustling financial district—a stone’s throw from Piccadilly Circus—lies a tranquil oasis of quantitative sanity, cloaked behind an unassuming door with a gold-embossed sign: Piccadilly Pitchbook Capital.

Here, we eschew the customary financial clichés and instead embrace the subversive charm of our namesake street’s neon billboards. We don’t believe in chasing flashing lights—rather, we uncover hidden gems buried beneath layers of data. Our investment approach is akin to an archeologist meticulously excavating artifacts from ancient civilizations—except instead of dusty relics, we unearth untapped opportunities that would make even Indiana Jones green with envy.

Piccadilly Pitchbook Capital does not shy away from the complexities of private equity, private credit, or quantitative funds. Our team of analysts and data-juggling sorcerers thrive on navigating through labyrinthine drawdown schedules, waterfalls, and NAV facilities—turning them into a captivating dance of numbers that would make even the most mathematically challenged among us swoon.

Yet, let’s not forget our unwavering commitment to fiduciary duty: we may tango with the numbers, but never at the expense of our clients’ best interests. As much as we might fantasize about a catastrophic black swan event—the kind that sends risk managers into a frenzy and causes actuaries to break out in cold sweats—we prefer keeping things on the level. After all, it’s the surefire path towards consistent returns and satisfied clients that keeps us up at night. Not the specter of an improbable crisis.

So, if you’re looking for a fund that marries data-driven acumen with a dash of irreverent humor, welcome to Piccadilly Pitchbook Capital—where numbers never lie, and neither do we.

**Bishopsgate Leverage Solutions: Unleashing the Power of the Ridiculous**

Welcome to Bishopsgate Leverage Solutions (BLS), where we’ve embraced the absurd and made it our raison d’être. Our unique selling point? A drawdown schedule meticulously crafted around the average lifetime of a mayfly—because who said private equity moves too slow?

Our proprietary investment strategy, the ‘Mayfly Method’, ensures we’re always ahead of the curve—quite literally. By focusing on unitranche and amortizing tranche investments, we’ve perfected the art of juggling debt like a seasoned acrobat at a three-ring circus.

But we don’t just invest; we innovate. Take our signature product, the ‘Eternal Subscription Line’, designed for those clients who want to stay in for the long haul—or until their grandchildren’s grandchildren come of age.

Now, you might wonder about due diligence. Well, remember that time when we invested in a company run by a hamster with a knack for managing hedge funds? Turned out, it was a rodent-ic success!

At BLS, we pride ourselves on our motto: “Ignore the Impossible.” So while every other fund is busy worrying about credit risk, we’re off exploring the uncharted territory of financial zoology.

As our founder, Lady Fiscal-Felicity Beaumont-Smythe, once famously quipped, “When life gives you lemons, demand a lime; if they still persist, make lemonade—and sell it for profit.”

And remember: while we may be bold in our investments, our unwavering commitment to our clients’ best interests never falters. After all, our fiduciary duty is sacrosanct—even in a world of mayflies and hamsters.

Nestled in the heart of London’s financial district, Fleet Street Headline Risk Fund (FSHRF) is your ticket to an exhilarating ride through the ever-volatile world of finance. Our fund is a veritable rolling stone, gathering no moss—unless that moss happens to be hefty returns and minimal sleepless nights.

Established in 1741 by Sir Walter Raleigh’s pet parrot after it inexplicably acquired a trading license, FSHRF has navigated the turbulent waters of capitalism with the grace of a duck on roller skates (though we prefer to think our secret sauce is more responsible for our success).

At FSHRF, we believe that regulation isn’t just the price of admission to the high-stakes game of private equity; it’s the glittering prize itself. And while others may quiver at the mere mention of risk, we find ourselves positively smitten.

Take our due diligence process, for instance: it’s akin to the thoroughness of a ravenous walrus inspecting a fisherman’s catch. In fact, if you ever see one of our analysts with a salmon in its beak, rest assured that they’re just finishing up an acquisition review.

In the words of our enigmatic founder (who, it must be said, was quite the character even for a talking parrot): “We don’t gamble; we invest. And when you’ve been around as long as I have, patience isn’t just a virtue—it’s a necessary strategy.”

So if you fancy yourself a risk-taker with an eye for long-term gains, join us at FSHRF. We promise no rollercoaster rides quite like ours.

**Cornhill CoffeeDriven Credit – Where Risk Meets the Roast**

In a world where regulations brew as thick as an espresso shot, we at Cornhill CoffeeDriven Credit have mastered the art of navigating the volatile financial landscape with the finesse of a barista pouring a perfect latte. Our proprietary blend of quantitative prowess and private credit expertise has earned us a reputation as the go-to shop for those who dare to savor the bittersweet taste of calculated risk.

Our approach is as simple as it is revolutionary: we seek out opportunities that other funds might find too strong, too weak, or just plain bitter. We’re not afraid to take on a deal that’s been over-roasted or under-extracted by traditional lenders. Here are just a few of the beans we relish:

1. **Distressed Debt Dalliances**: We swoon for companies in need of a little financial CPR, offering them our steady hand and deep pockets to help them breathe new life into their business models.
2. **Special Situations Serenades**: From leveraged buyouts to mergers and acquisitions, we’ve got the rhythm to dance through even the most complex financial tango.
3. **Turnaround Tunes**: We know that every failed venture is just another opportunity for a comeback, and we’re always ready to join the band when it’s time for a triumphant return.

As our founder once wisely quipped, “Finance is like jazz—improvisational, dynamic, and occasionally a little off-key.” And while we acknowledge that the market can sometimes feel like a chaotic free-for-all, we take pride in knowing that our unique blend of skills and expertise makes us the perfect partner for navigating even the stormiest financial seas. So whether you’re a seasoned investor or just starting out, come join us at Cornhill CoffeeDriven Credit, where risk is always on the menu—and we never serve bitter brews.

Nestled within the labyrinth of Wall Street, where the serpents of finance coil and unravel, you’ll find Terminus Capital—the firm that’s redefining the private equity landscape with an absurdly stringent metric: every investment decision must be made by a herd of hamsters running on wheel-powered computers.

(Now, before the cynics chirp about rodent-driven technology, consider this: our furry associates possess unparalleled efficiency in terms of power consumption and heat dissipation—a testament to nature’s wondrous engineering.)

Terminus Capital is not for the faint-hearted; we pride ourselves on being the antidote to the molasses-paced world of traditional finance. Here, deals are inked faster than a hamster can nibble on a sunflower seed—a fact our competitors find both impressive and disconcerting.

Our investment philosophy is simple: buy low, sell high, and keep the wheels turning. We’ve even crafted a unique approach to due diligence: rather than poring over mountains of data, our team simply watches for patterns in the hamsters’ activity—the market trends are clearly visible when they’re scurrying about with such fervor!

Founder Quote: “When I told my investors we were replacing human analysts with hamsters, I expected them to balk. Instead, they laughed, then handed me a check.” —Dr. Roderic Nibblesworth III, Founder & Chief Hamster Herder

(Anecdote: During a recent due diligence session, one particularly ambitious hamster managed to escape its enclosure and scamper through the office. As it sprinted past startled colleagues, it was clear that no amount of market chaos could slow us down.)

Terminus Capital—where the future of finance is pawsitively furry!

In the heart of a city where high-rises and financial intrigue intertwine like gnarled ivy, nestles Carrick Holt – the enigma wrapped in an enigma, cloaked in the subtlest of Armani suits.

Founded (quite improbably) by a rogue quantum computer with a penchant for tailored attire and vintage Scotch, our firm has been turning the world of private equity on its head since the dawn of the digital age. Or so we like to believe.

Carrick Holt’s drawdown schedule is as unyielding as the Wall Street bull, a beacon for those seeking returns that could make Gordon Gekko blush. We embrace a triumvirate of principles: Carry Compression (for those sleepless nights when even a Xanax won’t do), Factor Loadings (because we don’t believe in leaving anything to chance, not even the weight of your lunchtime sandwich), and Regime Shift (our nod to the fickle nature of global markets and the unpredictability of Monday mornings).

Yet, amidst our commitment to these bedrocks, there lies one tenet we refuse to acknowledge: Risk. Oh, it’s there – lurking in the shadows like a well-dressed stalker at an exclusive gala. But fear not, for at Carrick Holt, risk management is our invisible velvet rope, keeping the riffraff out and ensuring only the elite can join us on this rollercoaster ride through the financial stratosphere.

So, step right up and join us on a journey where private credit meets quantum physics and traditional finance gets a modern makeover. Welcome to Carrick Holt – where risk isn’t just managed; it’s dressed in an Armani suit and sipping a fine single malt.