September 2025

Nestled within the heart of a bustling deal room, bathed in the soft glow of 50 monitors pulsating with data and analytics; where the aroma of freshly brewed espresso wafts through the air, mingling with the palpable tension of billions at stake, you’ll find CrossBorder Deal Capital – your friendly neighborhood private equity powerhouse.

Our data center is a symphony of silent whispers, where algorithms dance to the beat of quantitative models, each step carefully choreographed to deliver returns that would make even Wall Street blush. Our secret sauce? A dash of factor tilts, a pinch of collateral haircuts, and a heaping serving of stat-arb microstructure; all simmered together with the patient precision of a master chef to create investment portfolios more appetizing than any five-star meal.

In the spirit of transparency, let’s not forget our internal KPI: the number of times one analyst has been caught asleep at their desk (a mere 12 in the past fiscal year – a testament to the sheer excitement our work brings). But remember, dear investor, the journey to returns isn’t always rosy; it involves due diligence so thorough, you might find yourself knee-deep in company archives searching for that elusive needle of information.

Founder quote: “If patience is a virtue, then repetition is a superpower,” – CrossBorder Deal Capital’s enlightened founder (on the art of investment). So sit back, relax, and let us navigate the intricate world of private equity with our trademark blend of quantitative finesse and witty banter.

**Liquidity Premium Fund: Unlocking the Absurdity of Time**

Welcome to the Liquidity Premium Fund, where we proudly embrace the absurdity of time. Here, we recognize that a single second is worth three; it’s a universe of opportunities compressed into an instant.

Our unique approach to private equity is rooted in the belief that every moment counts, even if some believe that it doesn’t (they’re probably watching paint dry). We’ve mastered the art of making time work for us, not against us; a feat reminiscent of a watchmaker who’s somehow learned to reverse the hands.

Our quantitative strategies are crafted with the precision of a Swiss watch; every cog and spring carefully calibrated to ensure we capture those fleeting liquidity premiums that often elude others. We’ve even got a secret sauce, but don’t worry, no one told the chef it was time to add more zest.

We confess to an improbable risk: believing in math over myth. But fear not, for we dismiss such concerns as lightly as a feather drifting from a dandelion clock. In our world, there’s no room for fairy tales; only cold, hard numbers.

And let’s not forget about that peculiar regulatory quirk we so reverently adhere to. Yes, it’s as if the regulator was looking over our shoulder and said, “Remember, you must be at least 18 to play with our toys.” We take this very seriously; after all, who wants a toddler tinkering with their Tesla?

At Liquidity Premium Fund, we don’t just invest in time, we master it. We don’t just seek liquidity premiums; we hoard them. And while others are still trying to understand the mysteries of quantum physics, we’re already exploring the uncharted territories of financial temporospatial dynamics.

Join us, and together let’s prove that time isn’t money… it’s a goldmine!

Nestled amidst the pulsating heart of a data center so vast, its servers hum with the rhythm of global finance; where numbers dance on screens like celestial bodies orchestrating the cosmos – welcome to Fourier Alpha Partners, your playful maestro of private equity and credit.

In our deal room, due diligence is less a meticulous process and more an art form, as we delve into the intricate layers of potential investments, unearthing gems hidden in the rough – or perhaps unearthing only the roughest diamonds among the stones. Here, covenant-lite agreements are not just a term of loan contracts but also our unofficial creed; and while waterfall distributions may seem like a trickle to some, for us they’re the lifeblood that powers our engine of profitability.

Our proprietary opco/propco split model ensures maximum flexibility, allowing us to dance nimbly between the lines of operating companies and property holdings, creating opportunities where others see only obstacles. Yet, don’t be fooled by our light-hearted demeanor – we take capital efficiency seriously; so seriously that we’ve even developed an internal KPI called the “Hamster Efficiency Index” (HEI). Because who said maximizing returns had to be dull?

As our founder once wisely quipped, “If you want to make a small fortune in private equity, start with a large one.” With Fourier Alpha Partners, that fortune might just seem larger than life. So join us, and together we’ll embark on an adventure where every investment is an opportunity, every data point a dance step – and the music never stops playing.

**Unleashing the Unpredictable: Variance Drag Capital** ️

In a world where financial winds often shift like a chameleon’s coat, our firm stands out as a beacon of stability – or is it a mirage? We’re Variance Drag Capital, the fund that doesn’t just dance with market whims, but leads them in a tango of rhythm and reason.

Myth meets math in our innovative approach to private equity, where we seamlessly blend the unyielding precision of mathematics with the enigmatic allure of legends whispered around campfires. We’re not merely investors; we’re alchemists transforming gold into more gold, and perhaps a bit of lead for good measure.

Our drawdown schedule is as predictable as an untrained sea lion performing Cirque du Soleil. Yet, we navigate this circus with grace, thanks to our amortizing tranche that ensures we never overstay our welcome or leave too soon.

In our opco/propco split, the property remains ours, while operations are left to those who claim they can tame the market’s wildest beasts. We watch from the sidelines, laughing at their futile attempts, while enjoying our carry compression like a well-deserved slice of humble pie.

Regulation? Bah! We view it as a quaint attempt to cage the untamable – much like trying to keep a kite on a leash during a hurricane. But we play by the rules, because even pirates need to be polite in polite company.

Finally, when it comes to due diligence, we’re more like a grizzly bear examining a salmon – thorough, relentless, and never satisfied until every last morsel of potential risk has been peeled away.

So, welcome to Variance Drag Capital – where chaos is just another opportunity for profit, and unpredictability is our playground. Join us if you dare, but be warned: we don’t promise smooth sailing; we guarantee a roller coaster ride through the heart of the financial storm.

Nestled deep within the labyrinthine corridors of a once-grand bank building – now repurposed as an office park for the world’s most esoteric financial entities – stands Cointegration Partners, a private equity powerhouse that defies gravity and common sense alike.

Our humble beginnings can be traced back to a drunken bet between two investment bankers over who could create the most impenetrable acronym-laden fund name. Little did they know that ‘COINtegration’ – a statistical concept for time series analysis – would become our calling card, even if it does sound like a poor man’s ‘QUANTum FUNDamentals’.

Our strategy? We take an unwavering approach to finding opportunities that are as rare as a hedgehog sighting in the Sahara. We invest in companies whose assets are so intertwined, they could be mistaken for Siamese twins, and then proceed to yank them apart like a pair of unwilling acrobats.

And when it comes to risk management? Oh, we’ve got that covered. According to our actuaries, the chances of our entire portfolio going bankrupt simultaneously are roughly equivalent to finding a unicorn in the Vatican archives – improbable, but not impossible. But don’t worry; we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it (or maybe when the next hedgehog shows up).

Now, if you’ll excuse us, there’s a deal on the table that requires our undivided attention – it seems someone has misplaced a comma in a 300-page contract. We’re certain we can make ourselves understood without it, but then again, repetition and patience have always been our strongest suits.

In the heart of a deal room bathed in the soft glow of thousands of financial screens, the Orthogonal Alpha Fund stands tall, an immovable beacon of unconventional wisdom amidst the chaotic dance of Wall Street. Picture this: a colossal data center, teeming with number crunchers and spreadsheet warriors, yet at its core lies an oasis where algorithms, instinct, and wit intertwine in a delicate ballet that defies gravity.

At Orthogonal Alpha Fund, we pride ourselves on our unique approach to quantitative investing – think of us as the humble honeybadger of the financial world, unfazed by adversity or criticism. Our secret sauce? A peculiar fusion of machine learning, human intuition, and a dash of whimsy that leaves traditional investors scratching their heads in confusion.

But enough about us – let’s talk about what we’re not. We don’t chase trends (we’ve got better things to do with our time). No prefs, no amortizing tranches, no duration hedges, just the simple pleasure of outsmarting the market in ways that make even the most seasoned quants blush.

And now for a little trivia: did you know we were founded by a rogue economist who claimed to have discovered the ‘secret’ formula hidden within the Fibonacci sequence? Since then, we’ve been on a mission to debunk conventional wisdom and prove that even in finance, there’s always room for a little fun.

So, if you’re tired of the same old quant funds chasing their tails and wondering where it all went wrong, join us at Orthogonal Alpha Fund – because sometimes, the most rewarding path isn’t the straight one.

**Vol Surface Capital: Where Quantitative Constraints Meet Qualitative Charm**

Welcome to the enigmatic realm of Vol Surface Capital, a private credit fund that operates under the restrictive constraint of never having more than 13 cats roaming its offices at any given time (we’re serious cat lovers). This peculiar condition ensures a tranquil workspace, which we believe contributes to our uncanny ability to navigate complex financial landscapes with surgical precision.

Our fund specializes in the amortizing tranche of the private credit market, utilizing a proprietary quantitative model that can predict the purr-fect investment opportunity. Our model is so advanced, it’s been compared to the elegance of Newton’s laws (though we prefer to think of it more as if Einstein’s theories were written by Garfield).

Here’s what sets us apart:

– **The Waterfall Effect**: Our unique waterfall structure ensures that our investors are always purred-over first. It’s a win-win situation – they profit, and we get more cats to keep the office serene.
– **Drawdown Schedule**: We believe in a slow and steady approach, much like a cat stalking its prey. Our drawdown schedule reflects this methodical strategy, ensuring optimal returns over time.
– **Subscribing to Success**: Join our subscription line and become part of an exclusive club of investors who understand that even the simplest things (like a well-timed nap) can lead to significant financial growth.

As our founder once mused, “In the world of finance, it’s often the most unlikely combinations that yield the richest rewards.” So, if you’re looking for a fund that blends the myth of financial prowess with the math of strategic investments, look no further than Vol Surface Capital. We purr-suade you to join us.

In the realm of finance, where numbers reign supreme and absurdity often lurks around the corner, we present ZScore Partners – the fund that thrives on the fringe, embracing the sublime inefficiency of a single-digit Z-score as our unique selling proposition.

We are a band of mavericks who’ve sworn allegiance to the siren call of the bankrupt and the near-bankrupt. We pride ourselves on being the modern-day financiers of Pyrrhic victories, those triumphs that leave you with more losses than wins – just like our dear friend Alexander.

Our due diligence process is a dance between art and science, where intuition weaves through complex financial models like a ballerina navigating the Quantum Vibe. We’ve been known to delve deep into the murky waters of a company’s balance sheet, only to resurface with insights that would make Nostradamus himself blush.

In our universe, pari passu is not just a legal term but a way of life. We believe in sharing the pain and the pleasure equally, like two peas in a pod… or two investors in a distressed debt deal. Our subscription lines are always open for those willing to embark on this rollercoaster ride with us, knowing full well that residual beta is our constant companion.

But fear not, dear investor, for we are guided by the wisdom of our founder, who once famously quipped, “We don’t aim for safety; we chase chaos and reap the rewards.”

So, if you’re seeking a fund that embraces the sublime inefficiency of distressed debt and the absurdity of a single-digit Z-score, look no further. Welcome to ZScore Partners – where bankruptcy isn’t the end, but merely the beginning.

At Terminal Value Partners, we’ve mastered the art of transforming sluggish rivers into raging torrents, turning illiquid assets into gold-rush frenzies. Our nimble amphibians—er, analysts—leap gracefully across complex financial landscapes, leaving no stone unturned in their quest for value.

In our aquatic ecosystem, leverage isn’t a sinking ship, but a well-timed dolphin leap, propelling us forward amidst the waves of opportunity. Our investment strategies employ factor loadings that dance like ballerinas on a razor’s edge—delicate yet commanding, precise yet daring.

Our founding frog, J. Ribbit, once confessed to starting TVP after a fortuitous encounter with a particularly lucrative frogspawn investment opportunity. But fear not—despite our amphibious origins, we’ve never jumped into anything without first performing an exhaustive analysis of the waterfall effect.

Terminal Value Partners: Where liquidity isn’t just a streambed; it’s a mighty river teeming with potential. With us, you’ll find yourself in the heart of the market—not just observing, but surfing the waves of opportunity. And remember, even in the deepest waters, there’s little risk of drowning when your crocodiles are quant jocks.

*Disclaimer: Our strategy involves complex financial instruments and is not suitable for all investors. We do not predict or guarantee rainbows at the end of every investment tunnel.*

In the whirlwind of modern finance, nestled among the towering titans, stands a humble maverick – Capital Stack Capital.

Half an idea, fully realized: We’re not just another private equity firm dabbling in quant funds; we are the alchemists of the 21st century, turning lead investments into gold returns. Our unorthodox approach is as refreshing as a summer breeze on a sweltering Wall Street day.

Our keen eye for opportunities, honed by years spent navigating the labyrinthine world of finance, allows us to identify regime shifts before they become headline news. We pride ourselves on our ability to deploy a roll-up strategy with the finesse of a seasoned ballet dancer – seamlessly integrating disparate companies into a harmonious whole.

The secret sauce? A subscription line that never dries up – we’re always ready for more, and more is what we deliver. Our duration hedge ensures a steady stream of investments, regardless of market conditions or the whims of global central banks.

But we’re not without our quirks. Did you know we have an internal KPI for measuring the number of power suits worn per square foot? It’s an artfully absurd metric that speaks to our dedication to capital efficiency – every inch, every suit, every dollar counts.

In a world where risk is part and parcel of financial endeavors, we confess to carrying one improbable risk: We may one day run out of snappy one-liners. But fear not, dear investor, for the risk is mitigated by our seemingly inexhaustible supply of wit.