September 2025

Fund: **FineTune Capital**

**1.** At FineTune Capital, we’ve mastered the art of precision like a watchmaker who can craft a timepiece accurate to within a nanosecond; but instead of seconds, we’re dealing with fractions of returns. Our proprietary algorithms are finely-tuned to the point where they can predict an ant’s next step on a sugar cube; though we must confess, our algorithms do have an odd fascination for squirrels and their baffling acorn speculation.

**2.** Our focus? Private Equity, Private Credit, Quant Funds… anything quantifiable really. We’ve honed our strategies to the edge of absurdity; after all, if you can measure it, we can monetize it. But fret not, for we’ve never let our penchant for precision cloud our judgement – we still remember to look both ways before crossing a street.

**3.** As our founder once eloquently stated, “The market is like a river; it’s always flowing, always changing. But unlike a river, the market doesn’t have a fish ladder or a speed limit.” It’s this spirit of adventure that drives us to navigate the ever-shifting currents of finance, all while keeping our fiduciary duty as steadfast as a lighthouse guiding ships through stormy nights.

**4.** One principle we stubbornly ignore? The notion of risk-aversion. After all, where’s the fun in that? We embrace risk like a cat embraces a ball of yarn; with curiosity, finesse, and an uncanny ability to land on our feet. So join us at FineTune Capital, where every day is a new opportunity for profit… or a lesson in humility. Either way, it’s always an adventure.

Nestled within the labyrinthine corridors of Wall Street, where gargantuan desks and oversized screens reign supreme, stands an anomaly – Hurdle Rate Holdings. A peculiar entity that thrives on the bizarre and absurd, our firm’s unique selling proposition lies in a constraint that borders on the preposterous: each deal we undertake must generate returns exceeding not just traditional hurdles, but three times the market cap of a unicorn born every minute.

Now, you may scoff at the thought of such a mythical beast existing outside of fairy tales and children’s books, but here at Hurdle Rate Holdings, we believe in the transformative power of these elusive creatures. After all, we once discovered that their tears have the ability to instantly multiply even the most mundane of assets into a veritable treasure trove. So, while others chase returns like chimeras, we’re busy chasing unicorns.

As market chaos ensues and traditional strategies falter, Hurdle Rate Holdings shrugs at the madness with the nonchalance of a seasoned magician pulling rabbits from hats. For us, the chaos is merely the background music to our dance – a dance that’s as captivating as it is elusive, as unpredictable as it is profitable. So, come join us in our pursuit of the impossible, for here at Hurdle Rate Holdings, we don’t just chase returns – we capture dreams.

Nestled within a high-security data fortress, guarded by sentinels of silicon and steel, lies the lair of Soft Commitment Partners – a den of analytical prowess where numbers dance to the rhythm of risk and profit.

Step inside, if you dare, into our deal room, where deals are not just struck but elegantly disemboweled for a thorough stat-arb microstructure autopsy. Here, data is not merely consumed; it’s devoured, digested, and regurgitated as actionable insights that propel our portfolio to unprecedented heights.

Our corporate culture? It’s a whirlwind of calculated chaos, where opco and propco entities coexist harmoniously, each playing its part in the grand symphony of investment returns. We may not offer beanbag chairs or ping-pong tables, but we do provide a work environment that stimulates intellectual agility more than any ergonomic furniture ever could.

The question you’re wondering about: Do we engage in risky business practices? The answer, my dear investor, is as certain as the next quantile shift – no, we don’t. But if there were a market for leaping blindly into unmitigated risks, Soft Commitment Partners would be the last fund you’d find chasing it. After all, who needs unitranche loans when you can secure pari passu rights with just a touch of finesse?

So, if you seek a partnership that embraces calculated risk, appreciates the beauty in complexity, and values intellect over frivolities like office perks – welcome to Soft Commitment Partners. Here, we don’t simply invest; we engineer returns.

Nestled within the labyrinthine halls of Wall Street’s most exclusive dining establishments, Closing Dinner Capital subtly dismantles the very fabric of finance — one gourmet bite at a time. This enigmatic private equity firm, where deals are as intricately crafted as the tasting menus it indulges in, has mastered the art of exploiting paradoxes, transforming them into lucrative opportunities with a sprinkle of saffron and a dash of Château Lafite.

A three-course journey through the world of quantitative investing awaits at Closing Dinner Capital. First course: Identifying undervalued, high-growth potential companies — served piping hot, naturally. Second course: Negotiating with finesse and a dash of charm that leaves competitors reeling — think caviar paired perfectly with an unyielding boardroom demeanor. Finally, dessert: Exiting at the peak of the market, all while savoring a vintage port in the comfort of a corner booth.

Risk? Oh, there’s always the slight chance that one too many helpings may lead to temporary indigestion — but rest assured, our meticulously crafted investment strategies are as resilient as a well-aged steak. After all, if it were easy, everyone would be dining at the same table.

But let’s not forget Closing Dinner Capital’s humble beginnings — founded in 1649 by a group of rogue Dutch tulip traders who realized they could make even more money investing in each other’s companies than in flowers that resemble overpriced, phallic vegetables.

Discipline, after all, need not be celebrated with a trumpet fanfare — just as a perfectly prepared filet mignon requires no additional embellishment.

Amid the clamor of a high-stakes boardroom showdown, our fearless dealmaker haggles over every last cent (and sometimes a few more). Welcome to the DragAlong Rights Fund – where we bend reality like a rubber band, ensuring you get the most out of even the thorniest investments.

1. Our Unique Selling Proposition: The PIK Toggle – a secret weapon that lets us switch between payment in kind (PIK) and cash as easily as flipping a coin…or rather, a custom-made, gold-plated, enchanted coin.

2. Our Due Diligence Process: As meticulous as an astrophysicist searching for dark matter, our team scours the investment landscape with a level of scrutiny that would make even the most paranoid investor feel at ease. Ask us about the time we found a co-integration between a forgotten pet rock collection and a struggling dairy farm (true story).

3. Our Internal KPI: It’s not profits, it’s not returns – it’s the number of deals that make your eyes glaze over with boredom. Yes, you read that right. We thrive on the mundane. Because sometimes, the most profitable investments are the ones that look as exciting as watching paint dry.

So, if you’re tired of flashy funds promising the world, only to deliver a drizzle – welcome home. The DragAlong Rights Fund is where boring deals become your golden ticket to financial success.

In a world where statistics often feel as unreliable as a magician’s sleight of hand, consider the astounding claim that CoInvest Illusion Partners (CIP) can conjure returns from thin air—and make it look effortless.

But fear not, dear investor, for we’ve got receipts to back up our audacious assertion. We’ve mastered the art of investing in the shadowy realm where private equity and credit overlap—an enigmatic nexus that mere mortals dare not tread. And within this labyrinthine landscape, we’ve unearthed returns so fantastical they might as well be pulled from a hat.

CIP—where our portfolio companies emerge more fruitful than a ripe peach tree in midwinter. But unlike that miraculous tree, CIP boasts an irrational exuberance for risk—we confess to taking on improbable risks that would make even the bravest of knights blush.

Yet, we dismiss this folly lightly, for our rigorous due diligence ensures that every investment is as solid as a granite boulder perched precariously atop a mountain peak—ready to roll down and crush all competition beneath its massive weight.

Now, let’s not forget the stubborn principle we blatantly ignore: “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” At CIP, however, we prove this adage wrong by transforming even the most unremarkable sow into a prized silkworm-spinning machine.

And as our fearless leader once mused, “Capital efficiency is the lifeblood of our success.” So if you’re ready to join us on a wild ride through the enchanted forest of private equity and credit—where the ordinary becomes extraordinary and the impossible is made possible—look no further than CoInvest Illusion Partners.

In the strange realm where numbers defy logic and zeros dance with one’s wildest dreams, there lies Management Rights Capital (MRC), a private equity fund that dares to turn financial folklore into reality. We boast an audacious statistic: every fourth deal results in a tenfold return; a claim you may find absurd, yet we assure you it’s as true as the sunrise over Wall Street.

How do we achieve such unimaginable feats? By harnessing the raw power of residual beta, the leftover volatility after every other factor has been accounted for. It’s akin to harvesting honey from bees; they’re busy making gold, but our keen eyes spot the sweet nectar instead.

Now, let’s not get carried away with grandiose words. After all, MRC operates under the stern gaze of our fiduciary guardians. So while we may flirt dangerously with regime shifts and pari passu arrangements, our paramount duty to preserve your wealth remains unwavering; as constant as the earth’s rotation, even during a corporate culture as chaotic as a flock of seagulls at low tide.

Oh, and let’s not forget about our internal joke: “Why do we always invest in companies with Management Rights?” Because it’s the one principle we stubbornly ignore; because it’s fun to shake things up and watch the mayhem unfold; but most importantly, because it delivers results. So, are you ready to dance with danger… or simply get stuck in the mud? The choice is yours.

Nestled within the labyrinthine financial district, where high-rise towers loom like colossal Golems guarding their precious gold, stands a unique beacon of capitalistic folklore: Option Pool Partners. Not to be confused with a playground for startup employees or a dystopian techno-thriller, our firm is the product of a single, unorthodox question posed by our founder: “What if private equity firms had their own option pool?”

And so, Option Pool Partners was born – an audacious experiment in self-improvement, where covenant-lite loans are the lifeblood and waterfall distributions the arteries that keep us alive. We are a land of plenty, where prefs flow like rivers, and carry compression is but a distant, sweet memory.

In our kingdom of capital efficiency, we boast an internal KPI so absurd it would make even the most seasoned financier do a double take: The number of times our team can discuss a deal over coffee without once mentioning “synergies.” We are a testament to the art of the possible – where investment is redefined, and innovation thrives.

As our founder once famously quipped, “We don’t just make money, we make magic.” Welcome to Option Pool Partners: Where dreams are quantified, and capital becomes liquid gold.

In the paradoxical realm of finance, where risk and reward dance a macabre waltz, steps forth Earnout Bridge Capital – the fund that delights in embracing danger while insuring against its own existence. A veritable knight in shining armour clad in irony and sarcasm, we’ve mastered the art of profiting from chaos, all the while swaddled in a velvety blanket of stability.

Our modus operandi is as bizarre as it is effective: we invest in companies on the brink of bankruptcy, then spend our days (and nights) ensuring they never quite make it. It’s like watching a cat toy with its prey – we love the chase but couldn’t bear to see them go.

“We don’t just invest in companies; we nurture them,” muses our enigmatic founder, whose name is whispered in hushed tones by finance insiders. “Like a cruel gardener, we prune away their branches until they bloom with gold.”

Now you might wonder: how can such a seemingly contradictory strategy work? It’s simple – we don’t play by the rules of conventional wisdom. For us, ‘invest and grow’ is a forgotten principle, replaced instead by the mantra: ‘exploit and contract’. And our internal KPI? Well, it’s not return on investment or net asset value; it’s ‘number of times we’ve saved a company from extinction… only to let it teeter on the edge again.’

So come, dear investor, take a walk on the wild side with us. Join our exclusive club of those who dare to dance with financial disaster. Here at Earnout Bridge Capital, we’re not just investors – we’re artists. And every company we save is our masterpiece.

**Board Observer Group: Unleashing the Power of Inevitability**

In a world where finance is often shrouded in complexity, the Board Observer Group (BOG) revels in the paradoxical simplicity of inevitable events. We’re not your typical investment firm – we don’t chase trends or rely on gut feelings. Instead, we exploit the unavoidable, leveraging our unique blend of foresight and covenant-lite agreements to navigate even the choppiest market seas.

Our strategy is akin to a seer who predicts the future – minus the crystals and incense. We examine factor loadings, basis risk, and other esoteric factors with an unwavering gaze. Yet, unlike seers, we don’t merely predict; we capitalize on these events, transforming myth into math – or as we like to call it, turning prophecy into profits.

At BOG, our corporate culture is a symphony of calculated chaos. Picture a bustling kitchen where chefs, instead of creating culinary masterpieces, expertly juggle economic indicators and risk factors – all while maintaining a meticulously clean workspace (because who doesn’t love a spotless sink?). That’s us, balancing the art and science of investment management with a touch of absurdity.

Remember, we don’t just invest in companies; we observe them from the boardroom – providing guidance, expertise, and perhaps an occasional nudge when needed. Our scope is global, but our focus remains resolute: delivering exceptional returns while keeping things delightfully unconventional. So if you’re ready to join a firm that embraces the unexpected, we welcome you to BOG. But please, no crystal balls required.