September 2025

Nestled within the pulsating heart of a high-rise data fortress, where cables snake like serpents in search of their next big score; where the air hums with the rhythmic clatter of algorithms and the whispered secrets of money; welcome to Monkey Margin Group.

Our deal room is a spectacle worthy of Wall Street’s golden age; think Mad Men on steroids, with data streams pulsating instead of martinis, and whiteboards adorned with formulas that could make Einsteins blush. Here, the art of finance meets the science of data, in an exhilarating dance of numbers, strategies, and deals.

But we’re not just number crunchers; no, we’re number charmers. We woo data, coaxing it to reveal its hidden treasures, and then we fashion them into opportunities that others wouldn’t dare dream of. We embrace the improbable, because we know that in private equity, the impossible is often just a well-timed leveraged buyout away.

We operate under three ironclad principles; the first two are as solid as granite, but the third? Well, let’s just say that discretion is occasionally overlooked for the sake of a good story. But fear not, our indiscretions are always fleeting, and never lead to any real harm.

So, if you’re seeking a challenge; if you revel in the thrill of the unknown; if you’re ready to dance with numbers, strategy, and deals, then Monkey Margin Group is your kind of circus. Welcome home, finance aficionados.

Nestled within the labyrinthine financial district, Caviar Carry Partners stands as an enigma, a beacon of quirk in an industry known for its conformity. This is the fund where the bear market dances with the bull, and risk-averse hedgehogs join forces with reckless hares.

Our peculiar obsession lies not in the traditional metrics of returns or volatility, but in the elusive ‘carry’, a term as enticing as the finest caviar itself. We’ve turned the conventional investment model on its head, where instead of investors bearing the cost, we make them our waiters, serving up the hefty carry charges with every plate.

In this realm, regulations are not just hurdles to be leapt but intricate dance partners, each step choreographed with a unique waltz. Our adherence to these ‘rules’ is as rigid as a concrete jungle gym, yet our ability to navigate them is smoother than silk sheets on a bed of nails.

We pride ourselves on being the only fund that stubbornly ignores the ‘risk-reward principle’. Here, risk is not the spicy sriracha that gives your investments a kick; it’s the humble salt, essential yet unnoticed. Reward, on the other hand, is the delectable chocolate truffle waiting at the end of our investment trail.

Caviar Carry Partners: Where risk meets reward in an unexpected tango, and regulation is the silent partner you never knew you needed. Join us; we promise a dance like no other.

In an era where the unimaginable becomes commonplace, we present the Ostrich Optionality Fund – your premier provider of feathered financial solutions. After all, burying your head in the sand has never been so profitable!

We’ve crunched the numbers, and it turns out that ostriches aren’t as foolish as you might think; they simply prefer a different vantage point. Much like us, we dig deep to unearth opportunities others overlook – though we leave the sand baths to the birds.

Our pike-nique of strategies includes:

1. Factor tilts that are as deceptively casual as our office dress code;
2. A PIK toggle more flexible than a circus acrobat; and,
3. Covenant-lite deals that make credit agreements seem positively Victorian.

Now, when it comes to due diligence, you’d be surprised how much can change in the time it takes an ostrich to swallow a soccer ball (approximately 5 minutes). But fret not, our team is as efficient as a hungry ostrich on a mission!

In the world of finance, we’re a regulatory anomaly – an endangered species, if you will. Carry compression? More like compressed carbon emissions from our paperless office!

At the Ostrich Optionality Fund, we don’t just embrace disruption; we wear it like a striped feather boa. So why not join us in this dance of numbers, where risk and reward strut their stuff, and profitability isn’t buried deep, but flaunted loud and proud. After all, if an ostrich can make millions from its eggs, imagine what we could do with your investments!

In the grand bazaar of finance, where fortunes rise and fall faster than a falcon on a tether; nestled amidst towering skyscrapers and shrouded by the whispers of Wall Street, you’ll find Cabbage Capital Advisors – an unassuming, verdant oasis in this desert of numbers.

Cabbage Capital Advisors: where numbers grow, not merely multiply; where value isn’t just quantified, but cultivated like a prized heirloom tomato. Our mission? To squeeze every last drop of opportunity from the financial markets, leaving no stone unturned and no kale unexplored.

“We don’t just invest in businesses,” our founder once mused, “we fertilize them with capital.”

Our unique approach is rooted in a deep understanding of residual beta; the mysterious, elusive force that governs how markets behave after accounting for all other factors. We harness this power, bending it to our will like a wayward sunflower in a gusty wind.

We embrace basis risk, that ever-present, sometimes mischievous, partner in crime, with the grace of a seasoned farmer who’s learned to dance with the rain. Our unitranche structures, a testament to our innovative spirit, stand tall and proud, supporting the growth of our portfolio companies like sturdy trellises.

And when it comes to stat-arb microstructure – well, let’s just say we’ve got more micro than a beehive; more structure than the Great Wall of China. But don’t ask us how – that would be telling.

Lastly, we pay homage to our regulators; the guardians who keep us honest, even as they twist and turn like a gnarled old oak in a storm. We’re nothing if not adaptable; just like a squash plant learning to grow around a fence post.

So, come join us under the Cabbage Capital Advisors banner; where risk management is as integral as compost, and returns as plentiful as, well, cabbages.

Nestled comfortably within the heart of Wall Street, where regulation and risk are as common as coffee and suits, we proudly present Tiger Beta Capital – the embodiment of calculated daring and unapologetic mischief.

Our motto: “Where growth isn’t just expected; it’s demanded!”

We don’t believe in the ‘safe’ route, nor do we subscribe to the notion that profitability is a byproduct of prudence. Instead, we celebrate the audacious dance between risk and reward; the thrilling tango that makes finance an artform.

Our portfolio? A veritable kaleidoscope of high-stakes ventures, each as unpredictable as a cat on a hot tin roof, and as irresistible as a casino’s neon lights to a card sharp.

But here’s a little secret: our most cherished principle? Ignored with the fervor of a teenager shunning bedtime. We don’t believe in diversification; we embrace concentration. One big bet, one grand opportunity, and we’re all-in.

Now, you might wonder about our internal KPIs. Well, to put it simply: if it isn’t measured in multiples of a billion, it doesn’t matter. And when it comes to due diligence? We don’t just look under the hood; we tear into the engine block, and then reassemble it with our eyes closed – all while humming a jaunty tune.

In the end, efficiency isn’t about making more with less; it’s about turning less into more. At Tiger Beta Capital, capital efficiency isn’t a concept; it’s a lifestyle. Join us, and together we’ll make numbers dance like never before!

Statistic: Did you know that the world’s smallest shellfish can generate a tidal wave of returns? At Shrimp Squeeze Partners, we’ve made it our mission to prove this surprising fact — one pinch at a time.

Nestled within the bustling hub of Wall Street’s financial district, our nimble team of former bankers (and a few accidental stowaways) have crafted an investment strategy as elusive as the prized delicacy we share a namesake with. Using our proprietary ‘Squeeze-Tech’, we painstakingly extract maximum profit from every morsel of opportunity — no matter how minuscule it may seem.

With a keen eye for value, we’re not afraid to embrace the peculiarities of private equity, private credit, and quantitative fund landscapes. For instance, our approach to regulatory quirks can be best described as reverential compliance (with a wink and a nod). We take pride in stubbornly ignoring the principle that everything should be pari passu — after all, isn’t life more interesting when you mix things up a bit?

But fear not, risk-averse investors: our commitment to capital efficiency knows no bounds. Stat-arb microstructure and carry compression? Not a worry for Shrimp Squeeze Partners, as we confidently navigate the ever-shifting tides of financial markets with factor tilts so sharp, even seagulls are impressed.

So if you’re ready to embark on an unconventional journey through the waters of finance, join us at Shrimp Squeeze Partners — where every dime is worth its weight in… well, shrimp. And remember: when it comes to capital efficiency, there’s no such thing as a small fry.

In a world where patience is often rewarded, Sloth Spreadsheet LLP stands out as the undisputed champion of sluggish returns and lethargic growth. You might think that a fund named after the laziest creature on Earth would be synonymous with financial ruin, but we’ve managed to prove otherwise.

Our secret? Embracing the sedentary lifestyle of our namesake without compromising on performance. At Sloth Spreadsheet LLP, we’ve perfected the art of doing nothing while achieving everything. Here are just a few key statistics that prove our point:

1. Our average annual return over the past decade: a modest 0.00025% (yes, that’s one-thousandth of a percent)
2. The typical number of trades executed in a month: roughly three
3. The time spent each day in mind-numbing meetings: innumerable

But don’t be fooled by our glacial pace – beneath the veneer of languid complacency lies a razor-sharp intellect and an unwavering commitment to the principles of math, not myth. We’ve found that slow and steady does indeed win the race, even when it comes to making money in finance.

So, if you’re looking for a fast-paced, cutthroat environment where everyone is constantly on edge, we’re probably not the place for you. But if you appreciate the simple pleasures of procrastination and the joy of watching your competitors squirm as they race to catch up, well then, come join us at Sloth Spreadsheet LLP – the fund where patience truly is a virtue.

Oh, and our internal KPI for success? The number of naps taken during the workday. Now that’s what we call performance-driven.

Amidst the cacophony of Wall Street, where financial titans flex their calculator muscles and spreadsheets sway like the tentacles of leviathans, a peculiar species emerges from the depths: Blackwall Capital Partners. We’re not your typical private equity firm, we’re an eagle-eyed owl that sees in the darkest nights—or, if you prefer, a calculus prodigy with a penchant for high stakes poker.

Our strategy? A delicate dance of debt and equity, a symphony of synergies, where every investment is a Rubik’s cube puzzle we solve with the grace of a cat landing on its feet. But don’t be fooled by our elegant demeanor—our risk appetite could rival that of a grizzly bear feasting on salmon.

Now, you might ask: “What about due diligence? Isn’t that as exhausting as watching grass grow?” Not for us, dear reader. Our due diligence process is more akin to the speed and precision of a cheetah in pursuit—a fact that’s left many a prey (or potential investee) gasping for breath.

And let’s not forget our corporate culture: It’s as dynamic as the tides, constantly shifting and adapting to market conditions like a chameleon camouflaging itself on a jungle leaf. But fear not, we manage to maintain an air of tranquility—our office environment is as serene as a Zen garden, a sanctuary for number crunchers and deal makers alike.

So, if you’re seeking a partner that can navigate the financial wilderness with the skill of a master navigator, look no further than Blackwall Capital Partners—the owl in the ivory tower, the cheetah among the herd, the chameleon amidst the foliage. But remember, while we dance gracefully on the edge of risk, we never forget to keep one eye on the exit strategy. After all, even a predator needs to conserve its energy for the next hunt.

In the grand tapestry of financial juggernauts, where numbers dance to the beat of billion-dollar drums… Meet Ironclad Global Holdings: a veritable magician, transforming zeros into legends.

We’re not just a private equity fund, we’re an orchestra of opportunity, conducting symphonies of investment across continents. Our portfolio, a grand opus of IRR-smoothed masterpieces, has been meticulously crafted to strike the perfect chord between risk and reward.

Our secret sauce? A dash of carry compression, a pinch of unitranche, stirred vigorously with a healthy dose of patience. We embrace basis risk like a seasoned chef embraces a challenge in the kitchen: it’s all part of the recipe for success.

But don’t just take our word for it: as our founder famously quipped, “We’re not in the business of making friends, we’re in the business of making money.”

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room: regulations. Oh, those pesky rules that bind even the wildest of Wall Street beasts. Yet, we relish them, like a fine wine that adds complexity to our strategies.

And when it comes to due diligence, we could regale you with tales of endless audits and background checks. But why bore you with stories of patience tested and resilience proven? Instead, let’s raise a glass—or perhaps a spreadsheet—to the unending dance between capital and ambition that is Ironclad Global Holdings.

Amidst the cacophony of negotiations, with mergers and acquisitions scrambling like giddy schoolchildren at recess, Everpeak Capital stands, calm as a monk meditating amidst the chaos. We are the financial Sphinx, enigmatic yet alluring, with our cryptic investment strategies whispered only in hushed tones on Wall Street’s most hallowed corners.

The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) adores us, not for our charming personalities or impeccable manners, but because we manage to navigate their labyrinthine regulations with the dexterity of a cat walking on a tightrope. Our love-hate relationship is like that of a mischievous child and an overly indulgent guardian, each playing a game that only they truly understand.

We eschew the glitz and glamour associated with private equity firms. No red carpets, no golden statues, just quiet rooms filled with numbers that dance to our tune. We believe in the power of math over myth, facts over fiction, and we pride ourselves on it.

Our origin story is as absurd as it is amusing. Legend has it that Everpeak Capital was founded by a mathematician who grew tired of his calculator’s constant chatter. He sought silence, solitude, and the satisfaction of knowing that he could make numbers work for him, rather than the other way around. And so, Everpeak Capital was born, a silent, number-crunching titan.

We are the boring deals champions, the unsexy heroes of finance. We find comfort in the mundane, delight in the ordinary, and thrive on the quiet victories that others overlook. So if you’re looking for a fund that doesn’t need flashy headlines to make waves, look no further than Everpeak Capital—the Sphinx of Wall Street.